Nobody wants to do the work anymore.
Relationship breakdowns are worse than ever, out there. I hear stories that make the hair stand up on the back of my neck. And then I get a lot of different explanations...
The ugly fights. The drinking and partying. The laziness and watching TV. Irresponsible spending. Stress.
All the things that we do out there, that lead to relationship breakdowns. Believe me, I understand it. But you know what? I don't think it's because you just "fell out of love"
in fact, that is crap.
LOVE is the discipline to do in marriage what you used to do out of passion in dating. Loving someone is about being awesome yourSELF. Then you can share that awesomeness. That is love. People sit around waiting for their partner to start meeting their needs first. They hold out. You don't get a raise by holding out, this isn't the NFL. Life is more like McDonalds, because its lots of work and if you can't hack it, you are out.
Even if you worked your ass off yesterday... you still have to do it again today.
But no one wants to do the work anymore.
I am convinced that any of us could be compatible with over 50% of the decent people we meet. If that person, and yourself, wanted to choose to do the work that a relationship / marriage is.
First we don't want to work on ourselves. Bad habits? they aren't so bad... Hot temper? Well, those people deserved it. Not going to change that. Inappropriate sex life? No one around to tell us not to... We have all these character flaws we want people to just accept us for, and that is FOOLISH. FIX your STUFF! Watch your mouth. Discipline yourself. Work hard. Then work harder. Don't know why you always get mad or flip out or get high? FIND OUT and FIX IT.
Then, we don't want to help the other person. That's work too. Helping them overcome their bad habits. Not only do we not want to, we shouldn't have to, and our own bad habits get in the way. So we get frustrated with the other person, or offended, and instead of doing the work of helping that partner become more of what they could be, we start tearing them down, criticizing them, and folding our arms across our chest, saying, "I deserve better than this". Really? Why? Because you are so damned amazing? No you don't.
You deserve what you earn, and if you need your partner to improve, you earn it by improving yourself, and then helping them. Not with cruelty or neglect or attacks.
But, that's work. Hell it makes me tired just thinking about it. So, what do we do? Click on the TV. Get drunk. Go shopping. Complain like mad to those who will listen. Do you take a class? Read a book on how to get better? You guys are so awesome, some of you just might. But too many do NOT, especially in our younger generations. They don't have fathers teaching them about the value of hard work and sacrifice, they have MTV talking about how cool it is to drink, shoot people, wear jewelry, and get laid as much as possible.
You want the sex, but want it free. Honestly, I think this starts with the men. Doing as little as possible to get some booty then discarding her like yesterday's newspaper. Men, are you doing your homework? Do you have the balls to do your part? Do you lead by example? Do you even know how?
And ladies... do you bitch about everything wrong, looking for the 10% you don't like, instead of keeping your eyes on the 90% that he is working hard at? Did you neglect your own emotional growth, and hook up with some dumbass guy who did the same, and then you want to complain about why isn't he better? And why is he a deadbeat father too?
Because nobody wants to do the work anymore.
Let's not forget the work around the house. Working a job. Cleaning the house. Parenting. Giving your focused attention to your loved ones. It is not glamorous, but we can't all be movie stars. When this stuff gets neglected, resentment jumps out quick, like two partners in a business where one feels like they are doing all the work.
Relationships are WORK. You cannot be lazy on your job, and you cannot be lazy in love. No one likes lazy people. This also means that if you have too much going on right now, but you want a successful relationship, you may have to trim back other parts of life, and get a good balance, so you have the time and energy that a successful relationship requires.
Work is good for you. It feels good, even if you complain sometimes.
So when it comes to love.... it isn't just about chemistry, the hot sex, the feelings, the laughs...
None of that will fly, unless you are also doing the work.
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Comments (121)
that is one of the most realistic approaches I have read in a long time
I totally didn't read this blog but I love your profile pic. Where/what is that from?
And I'm sure you're right in your blog though
I really hope that I can continue to be vigilant about doing the work. You are so right though. Both people must be willing to put in the work in order to make the relationship work and furthermore, to make it a worthwhile relationship.
I applaud you. This blog is one of those things that I find encouraging, helpful, and filled with un-sugary goodness. Love, love, love it.
I'm impressed....guilty; yet impressed. This IS really a very honest and real post. I appreciate it. Thank you.
wow this is GOOD, it proves you can have substance in a post without turning it into a college paper
I've learned all your points the hard way - but it's been worth it. Lots of work, but we're still together and we've both (been forced) to evolve, lots.
oh, and hi, and nice to meet ya
Alot of what you say here rings true. I work at my job and i go home and work some more. As you say, a realtionship is work, but its should be something you want to work at. This type of work is fullfilling. :]
I had a good chuckle reading this. Where were you when my ex decided I wasn't worth the effort any more? When I continued to work on my self and she stopped? I guess I finally gave up when I realized I was doing all my work and all her work too. You can't make someone work, so why kill yourself doing it for them?
Luckily, I'm with someone now that fully understands everything you wrote and we're both madly in love knowing we're both working everyday WITH each other.
great post! i was just having this conversation with my best friend the other day: she's the one who doesn't want to do the work. :)
thank you for a great read!
:)
I like what I read, this is fantastic, and so true. I've been realizing lately that I have standards that are way too high because I want an excuse not to try something and get hurt, which just hurts those around me.
Nicely put.
It is a lot of work, but sometimes there is one person who just refuses. You can't help someone who doesn't think there is anything wrong.
that is so true.
now, if I only had someone to do the work for....so far, no one really serious or interested has crossed my path yet. here's hoping.
I heartily agree.Love is a verb, verbs require action. People have to do stuff to get stuff. Simple as that.
But America is lazy. Hopefully not to lazy to undo its laziness....
I wish my ex-boyfriend knew that relationship requires WORK.
And love is a VERB, not a noun!
even doing all of your suggestions doesn't necessarily guarantee success but i think it would solve a lot of issues for most. so bravo! bully for you for standing up for what's right and how it should be. most people are basically lazy or just plain waste too much time to be an effective person. which ultimately takes energy out of the system (be it a relationship, a college career, work life- or just plain having a life and friends)
i'm sorry to see that complacency, laziness and selfishness are the rule and not the exception these days..
I'm compatible with anyone who's willing to not let differences get between us and who's willing to work together against problems. I don't agree with your gender generalizations, though. All the bad cases I've seen have been honorable men who were used, cheated on, and discarded by fickle women rather than vice versa.
"LOVE is the discipline to do in marriage what you used to do out of passion in dating." did you come up with this on your own? if so, wow. it took me a while to see if i agreed or disagreed with you but i thought about my own relationship and i agree with you. A lot of people don't realize relationships take work, some are in it just for the fun. BUT the big thing I've learned in this relationship and for any future relationships is RESPECT. the only way he shows feelings for me is if i'm 100% there for him and respect his choices and opinions. in turn he respects me more. its kind of a funny cycle.Â
- Monte
i love this post
I completely agree. In fact, that's why I don't want a relationship right now- I'm trying to fix my problems and I'm happy with how my life is until they are fixed.
Very good post.
A convicting post. >.< And well put.
I applaud you. Thanks for writing this.
AWESOME!!! Well said. And I agree with you on every point. YAY!!!